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Friday, 21 March 2008

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Wednesday, 10 October 2007

Me a Chinese She a Malay, Me a Buddhist She a Muslim

Again I am feeling that all that I have done to her is useless. I am don't feel her care me a bit.

I last met her last Saturday when I send her back from work. Now she is singing at a club near my house every night except Sunday. So supposed it is easier for me to send her back. But nope, since starting this month, I only did few times. Although she knows my house is near, many times she never ask me to pick her. Only I suggested.

Actually since last week, my eye is ill. Some sort of infection makes my left eye red and swollen. For the past 1 week I went to 2 doctors but didnt get any better, finally I went to a eye specialist and I think Im recovering now.

So I havent seen her for many days. Yes, I'm kinda miss her. But the problem is she is not missing me. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday not a call from her. Till I reload her phone credit yesterday then she called to say thank you. Thats it. Then when I called her 5am this morning, and asked why is she not calling me. All she said was since Im sick, she didnt want to disturb me. Obviously she doesnt care.

Im not mad at her because Im always telling myself all this is my own fault. I gotta accept the way she is. But I dont understand after all I have done for her, after all the love and help I gave her, it is still hard to offer me back some love and care.

I already make myself not to ask to see her since i know my disease is contagious. I do not want her to contract infection since she gotta work and Hari Raya or New Year is this Saturday. But all I wish for is a honest caring call from her to ask about my condition.

Sometimes I really hope I could come to my senses and stop loving her.

Wednesday, 03 October 2007

Me a Chinese She a Malay, Me a Buddhist She a Muslim

Continuing from my last posting, where I was talking about I could see our relationship will not last long and ending soon.

About 3 weeks past since my last post. In this 3 weeks our relationship didn't actually finished but grew stronger.er.I tend to think so. Her ex finally moved out because now she gave the room to her friends. 1 couple and she got another girlfriend staying in her room. So now I was sometimes able to go up to her apartment, no need to hide anymore.

Nowadays I often send her to work and sometimes send her back. Most of the time I was the one that ask her to let me drives her, but when she asks me, it means that she has no money for taxi fares. This is what I think but I wanted to believe that she just miss me and wanted to see me. And when she has friends that came to her house or to her working place, then she doesn't need me. Also many times she will ask me to drive her during last minute, again this makes me think that I'm just the reserve player here.

I'm not complaining here about driving her to work and back home, in fact I wanted to do it even though it eats up my time and petrol expenses. I don't mind because to me, treating the best I could is all I wanna do. In fact many times, I even send her friends to work and her sister back home. I willingly do this but I cannot help but think that she only needs me for this transport purpose. Many times when she has friends to drive her, suddenly she will ask me no need to drive her. Apart from treating her the best I could, this is the only time I could be with her because she always has no time for me.

And I really want to help her save money from paying taxi fares. I know the fact that she in need of money. So nowadays even she always ask me to help her to top up her mobile credit, I do it even though she just finish them so fast. I wanted to help her and love her but not using money in exchange of her love. Because the fact that me myself is not earning enough, but I still wanna help her anyway Im capable. Even she asks me to buy her a new mobile phone I couldn't afford yet. I really do not want to think that she is using me in some ways but the fact that sometimes I do think she does, sometimes she appears not. This makes me wonders.

Another development is that nowadays she no longer hides me from the band members and close friends. Ya, I think its good since it may means that she not afraid to reveal me. But I guess she still little bit shy to show her affection towards me in front of other people because many times, she will not bother me much but only mingle with her friends. The same happens when in the car when there a friends behind.

Also, I feel that she is still hiding many things from me or simply do not wish to explain things to me. She definately has the right not to tell me many things, but sometimes she just make me feels insecure and blank. For example, last night after sending her to the pub, she never ask me to go in. But she ask her friends to go there and watch her performance. So I really dont know why??When I talked to her over the phone last night, I mentioned this and she just said too lazy to explain. If Im not wrong, maybe she just dont want the people in her working place to know that she got a boyfriend ( chinese somemore ), maybe will be better for her work if people thinks she single...just my wild guess.

Of all this unfavourable scenarios, but when the time when we go out alone, only 2 of us, it is different. I could feel that she is happy to be with me and we does look like couple. Yes, I enjoy that moment and feeling even though we only went out 2 times. She is those hardworking type, she's been working 3 weeks every night without holiday. Thats why in the morning she will sleep and we do not have time to go out. This is what I like about her, not lazy like the usual malays ( no pun intended). So it is only this short moment that I could feel her affection towards me. We kisses and spent some intimate moments ( but no sex yet la ).

I am trying to give the best to her because I wanted to redeem myself. I used to be an chauvinistic pig that controls everything. I was so bad that I lost my ex because of my attitute and temper. Since then I made a vow to myself to change and I believe I have done so. This is why this "NEW" me is treating my current love in so so so different from my past. I dont control her at all, nor calling her all the times asking where is she or who is she with. Sometimes I don't even call her at all. And she will only call me after I top up her mobile credit..haha.....even this moment I just top up for her........

.........my friends all asking me to get out from this relationship because everybody knows that there will be no future for us. And I agree but I really want to love her and make her happy. Im stupid to carry on this unless I prepare to convert to Islam in future in which is a life and death decision. But at the moment, when Im with her, when she shows her affection to me, Im really happy and this is all it matters now.

Monday, 10 September 2007

Me a Chinese She a Malay, Me a Buddhist She a Muslim

This is update of my relationship with my sayang...ya we call each other sayang.
Last Thursday, out of frustation of not knowing what was happening because again I called and she rejected my call, I smsed her asking what is wrong? Later she replied asking me to call her back. Then when I called, she asked me whether I'm serious about her. I replied I'm not playing around but I do not want to commit anything to her yet. I asked whether we could talk it over face to face and she agreed to let me pick her from work that night.
I reached the pub/disco about 11pm and waited till 2.30 when her performance ended. In the car I told her whether she could give me a chance to be with her, I mentioned that we just started and yet to know each other well, how could we think about future issue such as me converting when we do not really know whether we suit each other. Then she said ok, we just continue and let it be that way. Then later only I found out there is another problem, actually she just broke up with her ex months ago. Now the ex is back in her house because they used to stay together. Now she says that the ex is staying in different room and already promised to moved out next month.
Hearing this cleared my many questions. Now I know why is she avoiding me, rejecting my call, not asking me to go to her house anymore. When I ask whether they will get back together?, she said no...only the ex wants her back.
Actually after that night, after I paid for her mobile prepaid credit, now she sometimes calls me. Yesterday she called me and mentioned that she not feeling well and her body aching all over. Then I thought it might be good if I just buy her some medicine and bring over to her on surprise. I did that. Upon reaching, I called her but my call was rejected as expected. Then after I smsed asking her to come down, she came and I passed the medicine to her. But the way she acted was weird because she was in haste and did not want to stay long with me, even asked me to send to a shop few blocks away but she will walk back herself. Then I realised, of course, the only reason was she did not want the ex to see me.
I just went home and later she smsed me. Then I just replied I realised I'm nobody and I know she did not wants her ex find out about her. She apologised.
From all this latest developments, I began to feel that this relationship is going to end soon. She will get back to her ex very soon because I know that deep down she still loves her ex.
Another bad love for me

Wednesday, 05 September 2007

Me a Chinese She a Malay, Me a Buddhist She a Muslim

Never mind...since the last posting I know no one is reading my blog, but I will just continue to write because I believe sometimes when we write something, its not necessary for others to read.

My self inflicted pain of falling for this girl continues..since I went to her performance last Saturday at a new club and sent her back, I haven't seen her since then. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday I tried to call but..useless...sometimes the phone was out of battery. Then sometimes when i smsed, she never replies.

But on Monday night she missed call me and when I called back, I asked whether she will dislike it if I call her always....she answered she wont and maybe will not answer when she is not free. Fine I think. Then when I mentioned that I miss her, she never say anything.

Yesterday I managed to get thru the line again but she claimed she was still sleeping, I asked whether she wants me buy her food, she just said she wanted to sleep. Ok...bye bye lo I said. She never call back.

Today I smsed her asking whether she wants to go dinner together, she just replied she was at her cousin's house. Then later when I called, PAP!!!..she just shut down my call.

So I'm really wondering what is happening...ya..maybe she starts to avoid me...maybe I'm just too pushy...but I just hope to see her...I never demands anything...I never controls anything...you see...it was my controlling freak attitude that made me lost my ex 5 years ago. So I learned my lesson and swore I will not repeat my mistake again.

Now I just hope to see her, drive her to work, maybe pick her from work sometimes...just all these small gestures...where is my mistakes? Again maybe she still haven't fall for me...just testing the water I think...if that is the case, I'm the looser again.